HR – the workplace through their eyes …

Dear All,

Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.:

ATTIRE :
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to yoursalary.If we see you wearing Prada trainers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are going well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

HOLIDAYS :
Each employee will receive 104 days holiday a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK :
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

SICK DAYS :
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE :
Too much time is being spent in the toilets so there is now a strict 3-minute limit in the stalls. When this time is up, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Best regards
Human Resources Department