Denis Leary …
I found some stashed comedy …went back in time and had a bit of a laugh spilling coffee all over the damn keyboard. For the sake of favorites and great standup - Denis Leary
Are You Man Enough ?
“My dad was one of these men. My dad once cut off his thumb with a power saw, duct-taped it back on, and drove himself to the hospital smoking a Camel un-filtered on the way. My dad's theory was simple: no pain-no fucking pain. My dad smoked 5 packs a day, worked 3 jobs 7 days a week, ate beef for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. One night in 1985, he ate a big steak dinner with a side order of bacon and extra steak fries. He ordered some coffee, sat back, lit up a cigarette, and exploded.”
The macho Guide :
* BALLS, A.K.A. COJONES: You should have several. Preferably brass or steel. Extra large.
* CRYING: Never. Ever. Over anything. Not death in the family, not a bullet in the chest. You may tear up ever so slightly in one eye only when watching a favorite sports legend retire. You may tear up in both eyes only when kicked, accidentally or on purpose, in the COJONES.
* KISSING: see "SPORTS"
* HUGGING: see "SPORTS"
* SPORTS: Once all men within reach are dressed in a team uniform, it is perfectly acceptable to kiss and hug and grab each other's ass. This is probably because all men are latent homosexuals and prefer male company to female company. But if some guy points out this fact to you, punch him directly in the throat. (Optional retorts: "Prefer this!" or "#uck You!" or " Shut the #uck up!")
* HEALTH: Never go to the hospital or visit a doctor. If you have a stroke, keep drinking and act like you prefer to use only one side of your body. If you cut off a limb while using a power tool--so what? That's why there's duct tape and staple guns. If someone tries to drive you to the hospital after a heart attack or maiming, punch him in the throat. (Optional retorts: "Drive This!" or "#uck You!" or " Shut the #uck up!")
* DIET: meat, cigarettes, meat, booze, meat, and coffee. In case of aneurysm or alcohol-induced coma, see "HEALTH."* FIGHTING: At all times, over anything. Never hit a woman. Or a child. Or a bus. Never hit a priest until he takes off his collar. (If it's the pope, wait until he removes the large hat.) Clergy will often provoke a punch in the throat with their "violence doesn't prove anything" pontifications. (Optional retorts: "Prove this!" or "#uck you Father!" or "Shut the fuck up, Padre!")
* DRINKING: No falling down. No puking--unless to empty the stomach in order to continue drinking. No slurring of words. Tell a few war stories: "See that scar? I was in 'Nam and I ate a grenade and it blew up in my colon." If your aim is off due to alcohol, it's acceptable to punch someone in the head or solar plexus.
* SEX: You're probably too drunk or just plain stupid to have sex but pretend you get a lot, i.e. "You should've seen me last night, blah, blah, blah, blah."
Get the rest of Are You Man Enough? And the Lyrics of NO Cure For Cancer..
Some downloads:
The famous "Asshole" song and Denis talks about crack ...
I found some stashed comedy …went back in time and had a bit of a laugh spilling coffee all over the damn keyboard. For the sake of favorites and great standup - Denis Leary
Are You Man Enough ?
“My dad was one of these men. My dad once cut off his thumb with a power saw, duct-taped it back on, and drove himself to the hospital smoking a Camel un-filtered on the way. My dad's theory was simple: no pain-no fucking pain. My dad smoked 5 packs a day, worked 3 jobs 7 days a week, ate beef for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. One night in 1985, he ate a big steak dinner with a side order of bacon and extra steak fries. He ordered some coffee, sat back, lit up a cigarette, and exploded.”
The macho Guide :
* BALLS, A.K.A. COJONES: You should have several. Preferably brass or steel. Extra large.
* CRYING: Never. Ever. Over anything. Not death in the family, not a bullet in the chest. You may tear up ever so slightly in one eye only when watching a favorite sports legend retire. You may tear up in both eyes only when kicked, accidentally or on purpose, in the COJONES.
* KISSING: see "SPORTS"
* HUGGING: see "SPORTS"
* SPORTS: Once all men within reach are dressed in a team uniform, it is perfectly acceptable to kiss and hug and grab each other's ass. This is probably because all men are latent homosexuals and prefer male company to female company. But if some guy points out this fact to you, punch him directly in the throat. (Optional retorts: "Prefer this!" or "#uck You!" or " Shut the #uck up!")
* HEALTH: Never go to the hospital or visit a doctor. If you have a stroke, keep drinking and act like you prefer to use only one side of your body. If you cut off a limb while using a power tool--so what? That's why there's duct tape and staple guns. If someone tries to drive you to the hospital after a heart attack or maiming, punch him in the throat. (Optional retorts: "Drive This!" or "#uck You!" or " Shut the #uck up!")
* DIET: meat, cigarettes, meat, booze, meat, and coffee. In case of aneurysm or alcohol-induced coma, see "HEALTH."* FIGHTING: At all times, over anything. Never hit a woman. Or a child. Or a bus. Never hit a priest until he takes off his collar. (If it's the pope, wait until he removes the large hat.) Clergy will often provoke a punch in the throat with their "violence doesn't prove anything" pontifications. (Optional retorts: "Prove this!" or "#uck you Father!" or "Shut the fuck up, Padre!")
* DRINKING: No falling down. No puking--unless to empty the stomach in order to continue drinking. No slurring of words. Tell a few war stories: "See that scar? I was in 'Nam and I ate a grenade and it blew up in my colon." If your aim is off due to alcohol, it's acceptable to punch someone in the head or solar plexus.
* SEX: You're probably too drunk or just plain stupid to have sex but pretend you get a lot, i.e. "You should've seen me last night, blah, blah, blah, blah."
Get the rest of Are You Man Enough? And the Lyrics of NO Cure For Cancer..
Some downloads:
The famous "Asshole" song and Denis talks about crack ...
Labels: HUMOR
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